- What was life like before recovery?
Life was unmanageable, I could not perceive of a productive future for myself, I lived to use. I disregarded my obligations, for example extracurriculars, I barely showed up and when I did I could not for the life of me show up sober, which because it was orchestra it [messed] up the whole orchestra because you had this one violist here who thinks she’s playing the violin instead of the viola. It sounds awful.
- How did you find your way into recovery?
I was at my second rehab and I was at such a low point where I was down to try anything, and that’s when I went into my first AA meeting that I was actually sober for and went in with an open mind, through that I just learned how to function as a human and see how my actions affect others. Ever since, I did relapse a few times but I always came back.
- What’s life in recovery been like?
It definitely has not been perfect, however I have actually been able to handle life and been able to work through the difficulties it hands me rather than just running away or hiding behind drugs. I have been able to have optimism for the first time in my life through recovery and aspirations. Throughout the majority of my recovery I have been able to have goals for myself and aspirations for my future for the first time in my life. When I was still using, I thought I would be dead before I was 18.
- Do you have a message for the newcomer or people contemplating a change?
I would say you have to put action into the changes you want to make, you can’t just have wishful thinking that one day you will just stop. I think I feel like every single interviewee has said keep coming back, but I feel like it is a very important message that works, just be patient with yourself, know that you’re not alone and that so many people have been through this.
- When in recovery did you find GFR?
I found GFR when I was about a year sober, I was more in my recovery maintenance phase I would say, rather than in my build-up phase. At the time I was in SBCC, and was looking online for recovery resources. I really liked how it was in IV because I was in IV at the time, and I really admired the people in the program who were able to get and stay sober at such a big party school. My intentions were to maintain my sobriety and make connections, because I did not know anyone who was sober in Santa Barbara. This was three years ago, and I have been with GFR ever since.
- What’s your relationship with school like compared to before?
I saw school as optional, and barely graduated high school. I saw school as a place to fellowship with my dealers, and I never really took interest in it. Now I have a lot healthier of a relationship with school, and I am in school to have a successful future, and am able to #cope when things don’t go well academically for me. Before, I would have likely dropped out before I had my first midterm, but I have not dropped out yet and am not planning on dropping out in the next twenty four hours.
- What are some cool things you didn’t expect from recovery?
Cool things I didn’t expect from recovery: advocating for myself, I don’t think I really advocated for myself before recovery with any consistency, but recovery has given me confidence that I never knew I was capable of having, I’m able to hold conversations with other people about things that aren’t drugs, I have a better relationship with my parents and am able to communicate openly with them, I don’t feel like I have to hide stuff and am able to accept when I disagree with their viewpoints but am unable to change them. I’ve been able to find alternative coping skills, such as finding the desire to cook healthier and using exercise to clear my head in a healthy manner.
- What are some annoying/frustrating things you’ve encountered in recovery?
People expect things from me, sometimes when I want to be a lazy [person] I can’t because I have obligations and have to be a productive member of society, I feel obligated to follow through on things even when I don’t want to, and I don’t have that out of saying I’m too high or drunk anymore. I guess in the beginning, my family would occasionally try to get me to drink as a way of socializing with them, and it just kind of felt isolating, like I was the irrational one and not them.
- How have you managed or dealt with hardships in recovery?
For the majority of my recovery I have dealt with hardships pretty well, with the help of the steps and therapy, and I guess maybe just no longer having a stunted brain, I was able to no longer be impulsive and just think things through. For example, something I worked through in a really positive way was getting rejected from USC, because it was my dream school, and instead of telling myself I was a dumb [person] for it I was able to tell myself that maybe there were other plans for me at work. In hindsight, I’m happy I got rejected as I’ve thoroughly enjoyed my time at UCSB. However, I’ve had pretty hard things I’ve had to face for the first time in my life in recovery, and I had a lapse in judgement and coped in a very regrettable way, however pretty quickly I was able to see that this is what the addict version of me would and not what the sober version of me would do, correcting my actions accordingly.